Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Hong Kong prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, their heroin habits. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French? Signed - "Worried About My Reputation"
Subject: largest weenie Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're fifteen years old."
Tiger & Stevie Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and asks, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger asks, "You play golf?" Wonder replies, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball is, the caddie moves to the green, or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night."
Statistically Speaking : Doctors: A) The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700, 000 B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120, 000 C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14% Statistics courtesy of the US Dept. of Health & Human Services ----------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- Guns: A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80, 000, 000 (yes, that's 80 million!) B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups is 1, 500. C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875% Statistics courtesy of the FBI. ----------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners! Remember, guns don't kill people.....doctors do. FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat! We should ban doctors before this just gets completely out of hand! *Out of concern for the public at large, statistics on lawyers (for fear the shock would cause people to panic and actually seek medical attention) is unavailable.
PARAMEDIC LAWYER Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent." The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average response time by 20 percent." Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
You Know It's Time to Diet When... - You dance and it makes the band skip. - You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. - You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. - You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. - Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." - You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of the milk carton. - You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. - You could sell shade. - Your blood type is Ragu. - You need an appointment to attend an "open house."
"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me." vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!" vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv he bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."