Saddam's chief physician called a meeting of all the Saddam "doubles" and look-alikes he uses for safety: "Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is, praise Allah, Saddam is still alive after the airstrike and is recovering. The bad news is, HE LOST AN ARM!"
Monica Lewinsky is 28. Time flies so quickly. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around on her hands and knees in the Oval Office.
Then you would like this, I suppose: priest was taking confession, and he needed a bathroom break. So he asked the custodian to sit in for him. The custodian had no idea how to deal with this, but the priest gave him a piece of paper with a list of basic penance. Lying was 5 Hail Mary's. Stealing 10 Our Fathers, and so on. A young boy comes into the confessional and says "Forgive me father, etc......I was a participant in oral sex". The custodian did not know what to say, so he excused himself for a moment, and left the confessional. He came across another young priest who just arrived. He said to this priest, "I am taking confessions. What do you usually give a young boy for participating in oral sex?" The priest replied to him "Forgive me, for I have sinned. I usually give a Snickers Bar and a Coke".
Joke of The Week "Whenever we attack, they retreat," Mohammed Saeed Sahaf told foreign reporters Sunday. "When we pound them with missiles and heavy artillery, they retreat even deeper. But when we stopped pounding, they pushed to the airport for propaganda purposes."
What to do in case of nuclear attack. Put your hands behind your head. Your head between your knees. And KISS your ASS GOODBYE.......
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new BMW screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit [make it prada], Cerrutti shoes [gucci], Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL [paul smith] tie gets out and asks the shepherd: - "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep grazing and says: - "All right". The young man parks the car, connects his Toshiba notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says: - "You have exactly 1586 sheep" The shepherd answers: - "That's correct, you can take your sheep." The young man takes a sheep and puts in the back of his BMW. The shepherd looks at him and asks: - "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers: - "Yes, why not." The shepherd says: - "You are a consultant." "How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple", answers the shepherd: "First, you come here without being called. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog"
Why do Iraqi men wear mustaches? 1. To look like their mothers. 2. To cover tattoo that says "diaper other end"
After getting Pope John-Paul II's entire luggage loaded in the limo, The driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, great, now I'm really gonna lose my job," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on his radio and calls in to his Chief. "Chief, " said the cop, "I just stopped a limo going 105." "So bust him," relies the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that -- he's really important," says the cop. "All the more reason," explains the Chief. "No, I mean really important," says the cop. "Who you got there, the Mayor?" "Bigger." "The Governor?" "Bigger." "The President?" "Bigger." "Well," says the Chief, "who is it?" "I think it's God!" "What makes you think it's God?" "He's got the Pope driving for Him!"
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."