It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance Engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And The Best One For Last !! P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said.............. You've Got Male."
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!""
Fish Stories Stranger: Catch any fish? Fisherman: Did I! I took 25 out of this stream this morning. Stranger: Do you know who I am? I'm the game warden! Fisherman: Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the country!!
This might hold up in a court of MY peers... Subject: Living Will Form I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______a Bloody Mary ______a Margarita ______a Scotch and soda ______a Martini ______a Cosmopolitan ______a Vodka and Tonic ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a Bowl of ice cream ______Chocolate ______Sex it should then be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Signature:___________________________
FIRST GRADE TASTE TASTE A teacher was doing a study testing the sense of taste of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers. As the first graders tasted the Lifesavers, they responded: "Red.....cherry", "Yellow.....lemon", 'Green......lime", "Orange....orange", Finally the teachers gave them all honey flavored LIfesavers. After tasting them, none of the children could identify the taste.. "Well", the teacher said, "I'll give you a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit the Lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!!! They're @$$holes!"
The wunderlic they should give (courtesy of ESPN.com): 1. If the Ohio State tailback gets $42,000 from a Buckeye booster but the Escalade he wants is $57,000, he should: a) Buy a different SUV b) Take a job he doesn't have to show up for from another booster to cover the difference c) Ask Maurice Clarett to borrow one for him d) Transfer to an SEC school with more generous boosters 2. Texas A&M scores 46 points against Miami in a bowl game. How many staff members will Larry Coker fire the next week? 3. If Joe Paterno's team loses a close game, how long before his players will be allowed to talk to the media again? Bonus: How long will Penn State fans complain on their message boards? 4. Which of these numbers in the following group is the largest? a) 10 x 14 x 5 b) 632 c) 1,000 - 275 + 30 d) Charlie Weis' cholesterol level 5. A linebacker is 21. The underage girl he sleeps with is 16. At Tennessee, how many plays against a non-conference team would he have to miss as punishment? 6. If ESPN's Gameday crew were to go to Arkansas to cover a game, how much netting would be needed to protect Kirk, Lee and Chris Fowler from objects thrown by Razorback fans? a) none b) 200 feet c) all Home Depot sells in a three city area d) Trick question: Gameday would never go to Arkansas 7. Marcus Vick runs a 4.3 and Maurice Clarett runs a 4.48 but the 9mm Glock hidden in Vick's waistband is heavier. Who has a better chance of out-running the cops and evading arrest? 8. If the world's largest sequoia tree is almost 3,000 years old and the earth's crust is 5 billion years old, how old is Bobby Bowden if he started coaching before either? 9. If Michigan has a 12 point lead with under 9 minutes left in the game, how much time will be left on the clock when the opposing team scores the winning touchdown? a) 3 minutes b) 1 minute c) :35 seconds d) none, last play of the game and immediately named ESPN Instant Classic 10. Your team's stadium holds 96,000 fans but regularly only sells 32,000 tickets to its home games. How long will it take the team bus to drive back to Westwood? 11. Which would be more unbearable: Spending a hot day in the stall of Ralphie, the Colorado Buff mascot, or driving across Kansas in a vinyl- seated, non-air conditioned '73 Nova with Jayhawks coach Mark Mangino. Explain. 12. If you watch two hours of ESPN pre-game, four hours of post-game and six versions of SportsCenter during which Beano Cook appears 15% of each broadcast, how many times will you want to gouge your eyes out with a tongue depressor? 13. Floyd of Rosedale is: a) Barney Fife's neighbor from the old ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW b) The current WWF champion c) A college football trophy as coveted as winning a giant stuffed animal at the state fair 14. If a Onepeat.com LSU fan wastes 60% of each day stewing over the shared title with USC in 2003, how many hours will he have left each week to not date women? 15. The ninth month of the year is: a) June b) January c) November d) The time when the Kappa Kappa Gamma girls arrive back on campus to start doing your homework again EXTRA CREDIT: If Lou Holtz is brought in to rebuild your program, how many years of NCAA probation will your school be put on within 2 years? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This may be a repeat...but keep an eye on your cell phone.. The Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked" MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."
Makes Perfect Sense To Me! Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance. which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"