Subject: France "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." ---Norman Schwartzkopf "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ----Marge Simpson "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." ---Jacques Chirac, President of France; and... "As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P. J. O'Rourke (1989) "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." ---John McCain, U. S. Senator from Arizona "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people!" --Conan O'Brien "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." ---David Letterman How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him. French Army tanks have five gears: four in reverse, and one forwards, in case the enemy attacks from the rear. Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France. France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender. AP and UPI report: The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." This was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of their white flag factories, effectively disabling their military.
Celebrity Virus Attacks. . .. The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB The Ellen DeGeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Re formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows
Typical Jewish Mother A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house And sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "Obviously, the one on the right." That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" To which the mother replies "Because I don't like her!"
Just A Run-Of-The-Mill Accident Report I am writing in response to your request for "additional information." In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put "poor planning" as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a rather hefty iron barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the barrel containing the 300 lbs. of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed only about 100 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in excruciating pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind... and... I let go of the rope⦠... ...
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. . God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
The Mother Of All Answers An inebriated crook had a little problem and ended up at the police station. "Couldn't you get that crook to confess to the crime?" asked the police chief. "We tried everything, Sir. We browbeat and badgered him wit every question we could think of." "Well, how did he respond? "The thing is, Sir, that, no matter what we said, he just dozed off and whispered now and then: "Yes, Dear. You are absolutely right.""
Near Death Experience An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Polish perogies with fried onions wafting up the stairs.He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favourite perogies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his Polish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered man trembled on his way to the perogies at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife. "Don't you dare touch those," she bellowed. "They're for the funeral!!"
CONFUSED A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail". The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."