Re-Training a Nun. . . . Sister Mary Margaret had been a nun all her life when she was finally called to her final reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Mary Margaret. Not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent, right to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Mary Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem," replied St. Peter. "You have never learned right from wrong and to get into Heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong." "Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into Heaven!" Sister Mary Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter. Sister Mary Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter," she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up." âGood!â replied the old Saint. "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready." Sister Mary Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after having several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter.......I feel woozy. That vile liquor burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down." "Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. You know, have sex with him. Afterwards, call me." Two weeks passed before Sister Mary Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Yo, Pete. It's Peggy. It's gonna be awhile."
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy ______________________________ OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime _____________________________ SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. _____________________________ GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. _____________________________ HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ______________________________ LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. ______________________________ PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. _____________________________ DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. _____________________________ HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Roadside Exchange A cowboy gets pulled over by a County Cop for speeding. The cop started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the cop got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The cop stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The cop says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," the cop says and goes back to writing the ticket. But, after a few moments, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl, adds, thoughtfully: "Hard to fool them flies though!"
Good, Memorable Quotes 1. I started out with nothing... I still have most of it. 2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran? 3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. 5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. 9. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. 10. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock. 11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. 12. It was all so different before everything changed. 13. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. 14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident. 16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. 17. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few. 18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. 19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. 20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 21. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include free trips around the sun. 22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 24. Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). 25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). 26. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? 27. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt. 28. There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the dead. 29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 30. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 32. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. 33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. 34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 35. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses and I'd have to give up drinking beer. I wasn't really a big drinker anyway; maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day, when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer, but you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you; so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back.......
The Ancient Word A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old Canons and laws of the Church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be corrected. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. Now the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R." His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the Abbot, "What's wrong, Father?" With a choking voice, the Abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate', CELEBRATE!"
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
A young Sri Lankan man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: Hello, could you give me condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!" The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!" During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: ?quot;Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!" A minute later the boy is still praying quot;Thank you Lord for your kindness..."Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!! " The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!