Memories On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asked. He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!" She giggled and said, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished!!"
Subject: Rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain ...very politically incorrect.... It didn't take long for these to come out: HIGH NOONER JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON TRUE, HE GRITS POLESMOKE THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE PAINT YOUR FAG ON HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG THE WILD BRUNCH HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID VERY RAW HIDE LONESOME DOUG THE HOARSE SOLDIERS DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN MCCABE AND MR. MILLER A FISTFUL OF NED HI, PLAINS DRIFTER! THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES QUICKLY DOWN UNDER BAREBACK MOUNTING BONE-NANZA DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS HOME ON THE RANGER OKLAHOMO ROOSTER COCKBURN LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE PRANCES WITH WOLVES BALONEY PONY RODEO TUBESTEAK COWBOYS Fudge Pack Mountain , The Loin Ranger, The Good, The Bad. and The Cute. Raiders of the Lost Fart, Man With The Golden Bung, Sheepless in Seattle, Man of La Munch Ya , The Great Vein Robbery, Wyatt Slurp. the hard ride and the rim of the canyon
The Republican Fisherman A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down..by David Letterman 10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9.Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 8.You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson.. 6. Elvis is leaving the building. 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus. 1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
A crusty old Marine Corps Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." YOU GOTTA LOVE THOSE MARINES AND THEIR MILITARY TIME!!
Politically Correct: Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES. "You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore.. " HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT "WOMEN" AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. 3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED." 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED." 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED." 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED." 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR." 12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT "MEN" AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS." 6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." 7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY." 9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED." 10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." 11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"