Saving the Preacher The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex," There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said...... "Screw the bastard!" Be happy.....
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips." The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." #14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun." #11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "Just how big were those two beers?" #3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." #2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.
I remember getting "Trip Tik's" from AAA, dozens of pages with a magic marker showing the right highways....pretty archaic, LOL. (However, better than asking directions, apparently, LOL). Don
I remember the Hindenburg zeplin flying over new york city and later I met Eddie Rickenbacker in Washington DC. The best man that I ever knew was my old fishing buddy, who was over 100 years old and a former slave. You guys were all just born to late. Try again in another 50 years.
1. On the night of their wedding, after making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find her groom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance." 2. A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some more weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said,... "Cute little fart."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "