Transylvanian Sister Act Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
MY PRIVATE PART DIED TODAY An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if There was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she Replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my Condolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like That. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" Asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."
Subject: Wally's wedding night At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: ........."You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.
Today's Pearls of Wisdom from the Zen Master: 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else 7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 18. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 23. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt. Then things get worse. 26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday ... around age 11. 30. Give a man some fire and he'll be warm for a few minutes. Set a man on fire and he'll be hot for the rest of his life. 31. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Age Gauge This may really make you feel old....... Put your birth date in the pop up window after you click on the link below. What happens is pretty interesting. Very cool. Click here: http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways . through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full- time, after-school job at the local textile mill .... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter . with a Pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed! Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire . imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 Don
We found some jiffypop at target the other day and my kids stared in amazement as the alumimun ball formed as it cook! They couldn't believe it. Thanks for the memories Don. Actually my buddy growing up stole the porn from his dad's collection when he wasn't home.
Don: Yeah, and no A/C in the cars - you sweated your brains out with '4-way Air' (all windows all the way down!!). In college, remember the 1000+ card decks (80 columns) that had to be kept in perfect order to 'run'. One mistake, after 4 hours, and you had a day's worth of 'manual' sorting!! No GPS, no Map-Point, no Map-Quest - you had to remember the 3rd road after the blue house with the Redman ad painted on the barn!!