They's all Rats!! A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. So he takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story." The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He starts to run toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha", says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No", says the tourist, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Muslim and anything French!"
U.S.P.S. Special Delivery One Monday morning, a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Whoaaa Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 p.m. Sunday afternoon. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?" The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs loudly and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that. "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...."
When I recently bought a t-shirt it came with this instruction sheet,: OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Pull garment on over head, placing arms through appropriate openings. 2. Finish with label at back of collar with design facing out. _Fashion note - tail can be worn out for casual or tucked in for formal_ 3. Wear shirt to pre-determined occasion. _Important note - remove all tags or labels, such as this one, before wearing in public_ 4. After shirt is sufficiently soiled, place in washing machine (note - for best results remove shirt) 5. Leave the shirt just the way you removed it - inside out. Wash warm water/cool rinse. 6. _Note - Xtreme shirts are NOT underwear - don't let your mother throw it in hot water, and keep her away from the bleach_ 7. Dry on low heat, air or line dry. 8. Return garment to right-side out and repeat step 1.
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin." Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
I love this thread, i hope it never goes away! _____________________________________________________ Gotta love those Engineers! Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious new state. " Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and it completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out- it's virtually impenetrable" The engineer says, "Fill it with water."
really - sounds great somehow - eliminate hunger in america etc. but don't forget that if not now already but soon there will come a time where america will need the rest of the world much more than the world needs america.
Poor guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!" There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts! her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Miss Beatrice Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through thepark a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!". The pastor fainted.
Country Music Woes Q: What do you get when you rewind a country song? A: You get your house back, your truck back, your wife back and your dog back!