One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan swimming in the ocean back to land. Over and over the waves kept pulling him back out to sea. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Jesus, hanging on the cross, says "Peter, come here". Peter, thinking he is about to receive a profound religious truth, tries goes to Jesus but Roman soldiers push him back. Again Jesus summons, "Peter, come here". Peter tries to, but Roman soldiers again push him away. Jesus summons a third time, "Peter come here". Peter gathers all of his strength and finally breaks through. Bleeding from several lance wounds, Peter says "Yes, Master?". Jesus looks upon Peter and says "I can see your house from here!"
News From (insert your favorite stupid place here): "Terrible accident! A two seater airplane lost control and fell in a cemetery... Local authorities have already found over 3,500 dead... The search continues!!"
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.
What kind of loozer stalks folks in the Jokes thread in the chit chat forum? E G G G G G G Z A K L Y, you just witnessed it.....
Uhhhh? Do we have a serious case of paranoia here or what??? Did anybody imply anything about you ?? I didn't.
Telling The Time Pilot: Control tower, what time is it? Control tower: What airline is this? Pilot: What difference does that make? Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the...