Increased Security Measures - World Wide The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
One day, Ken complained to his friend, 'My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a Doctor.' His friend offered, 'Don't do that! There's a computer at the chemists that can diagnose anything, quicker than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.' Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the chemists. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks. Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the chemists, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard Get a water softener Your dog has worms Give him vitamins Your daughter's using cocaine Put her in a rehabilitation clinic Your wife's pregnant - twin girls They aren't yours Get a lawyer And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Good Question If love is blind, and marriage is an institution, is marriage an institution for the blind?
Missing Wives. Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
WHEN A WOMAN WEARS LEATHER When a woman wears leather clothing, ........ A man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck.
Cryogenics The biggest problem of cryogenics isn't whether future advances in technology will enable you to be unfrozen and brought back to life 10,000 years from now; it's whether 250 consecutive generations of security guards, earning the equivalent of $6.50 an hour, will remember to check the thermostat every night.
New Official Politically Correct Terms Old New ------------------------------------------------ conservative reactionary The Establishment White Power Elite hearing person temporarily aurally abled sighted person temporarily visually abled blind visually challenged mute vocally challenged dead metabolically different alive temporarily metabolically abled ugly aesthetically challenged rude politically correct(tm) psychopath socially misaligned bald follicularly challenged non-white non-male oppressed white melanin impoverished/genetically oppressive white male oppressor black african-american asian asian-american afro-american african-american pregnancy parasitic oppression janitor sanitation engineer dish washer utensil sanitizer dairy where cows are raped ranch where cattle are murdered egg ranch where hens are raped biology department where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialistic drug companies fishing raping the oceans farming exploiting mother earth paper bag processed tree carcass female person of gender horn-dog person of ardor drooling drunk idiot person on floor group of whites L.A.P.D. girl pre-womin boy oppressor to be
Two old farts are talking and one says, "I'll bet you any amount of money you want that my cock is longer soft than yours is hard." The other guy says "OK, I'll bet you $20. So how long is yours soft?" The first guy says, "Since 1957".
Office of the Secretary of Defense 1010 Defense Pentagon Washington, D.C. 20301-1010 Dear Concerned Citizen: Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay Cuba. The administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as "mere cultural differences." Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless you feel that this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and his religious beliefs. Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good luck! Cordially, The Honorable Donald H. Rumsfeld Secretary of Defense