I agree! Actually, this is the first time I have LOL from a Penn & Teller skit. They should get pissed-off passionate more often. Ah the best IMO was Teller sharing space with the hens while trying to consume the bucket of chicken! LOL!! Also I might add for those wondering how it is suppose to be done - this a good lesson / example of EFFECTIVE swear word accentuation and usage. IMHO of course.
Missing Bill Clinton On a recent Canadian TV show there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly. Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom. Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe. The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.
The Blonde at the Casino. Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "I WON! YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." Moral - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
'TWAS THE CURRENT COLLEGE PARENTâS WEEK BEFORE XMAS By Jim Boyle, President, College Parents of America (With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore) "Twas the week after Christmas, when all through the house Not a student home from college was stirring, not a laptop nor mouse; The dirty clothing was flung in the mudroom with care, In hopes that Mom, the laundress, soon would be there; The younger siblings were nestled all snug in their beds, Visions of the coming college years danced in their heads; And Mom with her to-do list, and Dad with his map, Were bound to wake the household from a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whole family had to ask: what now is the matter? Away to the windows they flew very quickly, Even Grandma upstairs who was very sickly. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below, When, what to all wondering eyes should appear, An old friend from high school they hadn't seen in a year; With spiked hair and new jewelry, in his ears and his nose, And fabric on his body that appeared to be clothes. More rapid than eagles his comments they came, He whistled and shouted, and called the whole family by name. 'Now Jason! Now, Ashley! Now, Connor and Jay! I thought all about you while I've been away. To the top of the list, all of you went, As I thought about high school and all that you meant. As dry leaves piled in my backyard did fly, I did not want to rake them, so I looked at the sky; I watched for some time the moon and the sun, It made me think of all of you, each and every one. And so I thought that I'd come to say hey To ask if we could meet for coffee one day? I've got some new friends in college, they're from everywhere, But my old friends here at home. . .well, nothing compares.' 'Sure, I'd like that,â the new old friend replied with good cheer, And added, ''I know what you mean about the people from here' Now as the parents were watching this conversation unfold, It made them feel pretty good, if the truth can be told. For as proud as they were that their child could roam, It made them very happy when their child came home. So they winked and they nodded and they returned to their room, And they decided to hold off on lowering the boom. The cleaning, the shopping, the oil change could wait, A child renewing an old friendship, well that was first-rate. Now if you can relate to this story I've told, Then somebody made a good parent, and then broke the mold. Of course, you could try to control winter break, But I'd think you'd soon realize that was a big, big mistake. So let your college student sleep in and feed him/her a lot. A warm bed and good food, that's about all the leverage you've got. Your friends might disagree, and put their child to work, And their houses might be cleaner, but their kids probably think they're a jerk. So lay aside the things you must do, And try a museum, or maybe the zoo. Now you may want to have some time to just talk, And if you do the above, your child is less prone to balk. Because the goal in the end not to get sappy, Is to send the kids back to school rested and happy. And our goal in this group is to serve you well too, We know that as parents you've got plenty to do; We advocate for you, the unsung heroes who pay, And we hope your investment will get a return someday. So if you decide that this poem is good, Then can you send it to friends? It would be great if you would. THE END
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal. "SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call 404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...." (scroll down) Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
A young blonde woman in Joliet, Illinois, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the I&M canal. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. >From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Empress Casino, and we never leave Joliet."
Where's my Wife? A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere "
New Car Just got my new Lexus RX400ha few days ago. I returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this," he said, "Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie," he continued...and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautifulclassical music, and if I said "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesomesongs. One day a couple ran a redlight and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. "Assholes!!," I yelled. Suddenly the French NationalAnthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, and Bill Clinton on sax. I love this car...
So many political jokes like that are too strained. Anyway, the mention of martial law in another thread brings this one back from memory: Couple of soldiers are guarding a street corner one evening in a town under martial law. Presently an old man comes slowly shuffling down the street, a bag of groceries on one arm, leaning on a cane with the other. First soldier checks his watch, levels his rifle, and pumps a couple of rounds off into the old man, killing him instantly. The second soldier goes nuts, screaming, "what the hell did you do THAT for? Curfew isn't for 15 minutes yet!!" First soldier says, "Hey, I know where he lived, he couldn't have made it in time."