An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA player. The Lakers need me; I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm President of the United States. I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I am the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The boy said, "It's okay, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my school backpack."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Q] What do you call a French soldier coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert? A] A Mirage
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a greasy spoon. A guy walks in and asks the cashier, "Hey, isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The cashier says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says "We are planning WWIII." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big bobs." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big bobs? Why kill a blonde with big bobs?" Bush turns to Powell, slaps him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis!"
"He'd be better off shoveling snow" - - Richard Strauss on Arnold Schoenberg. When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait." "I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String Quartet, if only to discover what a cranky prostate does to one's polyphony." -- James Sellars "Exit in case of Brahms" -- Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the doors of Boston Symphony Hall "Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't like, it's always by Villa-Lobos?" -- Igor Stravinsky "His music used to be original. Now it's aboriginal." -- Sir Ernest Newman on Igor Stravinsky "If he'd been making shell-cases during the war it might have been better for music." -- Maurice Ravel on Camille Saint-Saens "He has an enormously wide repertory. He can conduct anything, provided it's by Beethoven, Brahms or Wagner. He tried Debussy's La Mer once, It came out as Das Merde." -- Anonymous Orchestra Member on George Szell Someone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the Metropolitan Opera, that George Szell is his own worst enemy. "Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing. "After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter." -- Arturo Toscanini to the NBC Orchestra "We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again." -- Sir Thomas Beecham to a musician during a rehearsal "Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost." -- Anonymous The great German conductor Hans von Buelow detested two members of an orchestra, who were named Schultz and Schmidt. Upon being told that Schmidt had died, von Buelow immediately asked, "Und Schultz?" "Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed." -- Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono "Parsifal--the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20." -- David Randolph "One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time." -- Gioacchino Rossini "I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music." -- Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rake's Progress "Never look at the trombone! s, it only encourages them." --Richard Strauss "You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow." -- Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket. "Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain "Already too loud!" -- Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, on seeing the players reaching for their instruments. "I would rather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve." -- Xavier Cugat "[Musicians] talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time. They really are interested in music and art." --Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home. "In opera, there is always too much singing." -- Claude Debussy "Oh how wonderful, really wonderful, opera would be if there were no singers!" -- Gioacchino Rossini
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..... it's $150.00
FLORIDA LIFE AFTER 70 >A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven >Florida. > >The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, Will you watch us >have sexual intercourse?" >The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the >doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and >charged them $50. >This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, >have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. >Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" >The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and >we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The >Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and >I get $43 back from >Medicare. >Is Florida great or what! >
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now." Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green." CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off." CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There'snothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:"There's something big growing between my legs." CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:"You'd eat beaver if you could get it." > A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!" David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" And not forgetting Cricket - "The bowlers Holding the batsmans Willey"