'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, While upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, I went into the kitchen and started to clean. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN." With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox, Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name: "Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Sears and Robinson's. Here's Penney's, Levitz's, Target and Mervyn's. To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall, You charged away--charged away--charged away all!" He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load. Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "Enjoy what you got. . .you'll be paying all year!" $eason$ Greeting$!!!
It's taken a few years to get Mr. Clinton's Official Presidential Portrait ready for viewing (especially the lower left corner):
Subject: The Lie Clock A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
OK, this is pretty good. http://www.stocktrading.com/bus.htm See if you can figure it out.....no cheating.. Don
Poor Mildred... Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was already so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Two-for-One Special Subject: Hit man Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome to play with us." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend. Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here. So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked, too! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."
Un-Natural Political Evolution "THE PLAN" Okay, here's the plan: Back off and let men marry men, women marry women and then totally legalize funded abortions. In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!! Damn! I love it when a plan comes together!
Subject: The Hypnotist A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone!!" The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and chanting: "She's not my wife, She's not my wife, She's not my wife!"
To Drink .... or not to Drink?? Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party, when she noticed the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink." Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, "And if you were my wife I would drink it"
The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, "then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?" "Yes, your honor." "And why was that?" "Because my wife wanted a dress." The judge check with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!" "Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice!!"