The Cost Of Gas I went into the 7-11 gas station and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Where is that place?! I wanna be assulted too!! I also know 300 of my friends that want to be assaulted the same exact way!!
Humor in truth. A real toe stomper - and during the Christmas season too- simply tasteless but so funny. Twas the Night Before Tookie's Execution Twas the night before Christmas and all through San Quentin, the crips were protesting, and liberals were ventin'. The cyanide hung by the chamber with care, in hopes that the reaper soon would be there. The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed; except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead. And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel, had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel. I set up my TIVO to record the news station, and thoroughly loved the momentous occasion. It seemed lady justice had gotten her way, and that there would be one less savage today. When outside the jail there arose such a clatter, the cameras had turned to see what was the matter. When what to my civilized eyes did appear, but a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer. The misguided freaks drew some curious looks, as they proclaimed his innocence; clutching his books. The tears then flew out from Sarandon's eyes, as she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize. The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh, all towing the line of the urban decay. On Asner, on Penn, on liberal cop-haters, On Sharpton, on Jesse and other race-baiters. Then at 3:01 all curled up like a beetle, Tookie cried like a bitch as they gave him the needle. When up from the actors there arose such a cry, they had failed in their mission, and Tookie DID DIE !! I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light, Merry Christmas to all ... there was justice tonight !!
Three women, a redhead, a brunette and a blond were being chased by a guy. They turned into an alley. The guy went into the alley after them and all he saw was three burlap bags that were wiggling. so he decided to kick one of the bags. "Meow" said the bag. The guy said 'just a bag full of kittens'. He kicked the second bag. "Woof" said the bag. The guy said 'just a bag full of puppies' Then he kicked the third bag. The bag said "potatoes'.
Dear IRS, Enclosed is my tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screw is enclosed for your convenience.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer
Heaviest element A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING: Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall! A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."