A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Leroy and Sherica Leroy and Sherica were out on the town. Easing down the boulevard they were passing a jewelry store. "Oh Leroy," said Sherica, "Just think how beautiful I would look walking down the boulevard with that big diamond necklace." Leroy threw a brick through the window, removed the necklace and put it around Sherica's neck and they continued thier stroll. Local police were zipping up and down the street with their blue lights flashing, trying to figure out what happened to set off the alarm. By that time Leroy and Sherica were passing the furrier. "Oh Leroy, just think how beautiful I would look walking down the boulevard wearing that ermine coat with this diamond necklace." Leroy threw a brick through the window, removed the coat, placed it around Sherica's shoulders, and they continued on. Before long more police arrived but the two were already around the corner. As they were passing the Cadillac dealer, Sherica said, "Oh Leroy, just think how beautiful I would be riding down the boulevard in that big white cadillac convertible, wearing this ermine coat and this diamond necklace." Leroy said, "Damn woman, you must think I'm made out of bricks."
Now, this is a fishing story! Last Saturday morning my friend got up early, put on his long johns and dressed quietly. He then made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway he went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, He returned to the garage. He came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. He was informed that the weather was going to be bad all day long, so he put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There He cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replied, "Yes, my love, I can hear that. And, can you believe my idiotic, stupid husband is out there, fishing in this kind of horrible storm?"
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they went to visit some friends and had a big party. They had too good a time, slept all day Sunday, and didn't make it back to Duke until Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they explained to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written.... For 95 points: Which tire?
Intimate Reparte Husband: Why can't you make bread like my mother? Wife: I would if you could make dough like your father!
A blonde called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said , "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. " He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, ... "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
How many traders does it take to change a light bulb? 50 1 to change the bulb and 49 to sit in a chat room and tell you that you did it wrong and that this is how they would of done it!
Be careful!!!!! I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam at a mall while shopping. This happened at Yorkdale Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works. Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are leaving the mall while your are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to another Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday. Be careful !!!!!!
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop on Main Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care, whatever he did. I came into town by bus. You see, I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age...
The Crazy Test During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, and offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, asking him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.... Now, do you want a room with or without a view?"