A husband was in big trouble when he forgot to get a Christmas present for his wife. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The Next day, on Christmas morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
How to give a cat a pill. 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Manhood Aptitude Test Subject: Manhood Test Test Of Manhood 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking B. Screwing C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers. 3. You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra. 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her it's: A. No concern of yours. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate. 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth B. An oxymoron C. A moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. Appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. 9 Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends." B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU." 10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. Evaluating Results: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
Logical Progression - The Herd and Your Brain (From Cliff Clavin, a character on the TV show "Cheers") "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weakest brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!" I'll drink to that!!
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist, and demand an apology. Before he could say more then a word or two, the druggist said, "Now just a minute! Listen to my side of it." âThis morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house and the car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened, and started waiting on these people. All the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. I had to break open a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!â
Discreet Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! You are telling ME to be discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me!" Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." Exasperated and clearly out of control, she hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!!!!!!" At which point, Rippington says, "OK, if that's what you want, I'll tell him, nooo problem!!"