HOW YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TECHNOLOGY IN YOUR LIFE? 1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2.) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." 3.) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. 4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?" 6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her own web site. 7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 8.) You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page. 9.) Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play. 10.) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 11.) You check your blow dryer to see if it's Windows XP compliant. 12.) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 13.) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
LE TRAIN INTERNATIONAL The only seat available on the train to Rome was directly adjacent to a very elegant middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary American traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American sighed and walked away, hauling his large briefcase, heavy coat and overnight bag, determined to find a different place to rest. However, after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Once more he asked, "Please, lady, please. May I sit there?" I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else; instead, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down heavily in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. A well dressed Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for always doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!!"
Generous Husband. . . . The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!" The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened" "Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig" The husband begins to tell his story . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because you said I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair." The husband continues his story . . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asked me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use????"
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers ...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."
Lesson One: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Management Lesson - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lessons - (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! This ends your two minute management course
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Hidalgo, TX. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was so shocking that he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States."
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
There were three men sitting on a bench, one was a Texan wearing a cowboy hat, one was a Muslim wearing a turban, and the last fellow was an Apache with a feather in his hair. The Indian was sad and gloomy as he said, "My people were many, but now we are few." The Muslim puffs up and said, "Once my people were few, but now we are many." The Texan adjusts his hat, rolls a smoke, leans back and drawls out, "That's because we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."
I don't know how you Dems can live with yourselves, as you continue to pretend that you really believe that the man who has whipped your butt over and over again, and again, and again, is not a whole lot smarter that all of you put together...