From David Letterman: Top Ten Thoughts Going Through George W. Bush's Mind When He Tried to Open That Locked Door In China 10. "Damn, Al-Queda" 9. "Am I that hungover?" 8. "Wish I'd thought of an exit strategy" 7. "It was easier to get out of the national guard" 6. "Hey, at least I didn't throw up like daddy" 5. "I just heard Oprah's going on Letterman" 4. "I know how to solve this problem â tax cuts for the rich" 3. "I hope this doesn't hurt my chances of getting reelected" 2. "I need another five week vacation" 1. "Talk to Condi about invading China"
Quote of the Day "Some people bake their turkey, lot of people fry their turkey, some roast it. Dick Cheney plans to have the CIA torture his." --David Letterman
The Party A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday with hundreds of people attending. During this auspicious occasion, he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a "ginormous" swimming pool with two great white sharks in it: "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and jumps out of the pool, tired, scared to death and totally soaked. The millionaire takes the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, Sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone from the host's hands and bellows, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God." The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
(So much for living wills!!!)... A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Halloween and Cinderella In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes,cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" He commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor." I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's..just working away at this pumpkin. "Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"
Word Reconstruction The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 3. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 4. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 5. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 6. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 7. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 8. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 10. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 11. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.