Do Anything but do ME now! I checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages". I opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. She sounded so sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it." "Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds interesting, but for an outside line you need to press 9"
Kinda large but if your from Jersey, you'll enjoy. If not you'll know what you missing. If you've ever lived in Jersey...you'll appreciate this!!! If you live somewhere else, you might find it interesting. New Jersey is a peninsula. Highlands, New Jersey has the highest elevation along the entire eastern seaboard, from Maine to Florida. New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas. New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky. New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (1 sq mi.) than Havana, Cuba. New Jersey has the densest system of highways and railroads in the US. New Jersey has the highest cost of living. New Jersey has the highest cost of auto insurance. New Jersey has the highest property taxes in the nation. New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the "Diner Capital of the World." New Jersey is home to the original Mystery Pork Parts Club (no, not Spam): Taylor Ham or Pork Roll. Home to the less mysterious but the best Italian hot dogs and Italian sausage w/peppers and onions. North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major ! shopping malls in a 25 square mile radius. New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. The Passaic River was the site of the first submarine ride by inventor John P. Holland. New Jersey has 50+ resort cities & towns; some of the nation's most famous:Asbury Park, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Long Branch, Cape May. New Jersey has the most stringent testing along our coastline for water quality control than any other seaboard state in the entire country. New Jersey is a leading technology & industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals. Jersey tomatoes are known the world over as being the best you can buy. New Jersey is the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production (and here you thought Massachusetts?) Here's to New Jersey - the toast of the country! In 1642, the first brewery in America, opened in Hoboken. New Jersey rocks! The famous Les Paul invented the first solid body electric guitar in Mahwah, in 1940. New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the US, located in Elizabeth. Nearly 80 percent of what our nation imports comes through Elizabeth Seaport first. New Jersey is home to one of the nation's busiest airports (in Newark), Liberty International. George Washington slept here. Several important Revolutionary War battleswere fought on New Jersey soil, led by General George Washington. The light bulb, phonograph (record player), and motion picture projector, were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park,NJ, laboratory. We also boast the first town ever lit by incandescent bulbs. The first seaplane was built in Keyport, NJ. The first airmail (to Chicago) was started from Keyport, NJ. The first phonograph records were made in Camden, NJ. New Jersey is home to the Miss America Pageant held in Atlantic City. The game Monopoly, played all over the world, named the streets on its playing board after the actual streets in Atlantic City. And, Atlantic City has the longest boardwalk in the world, Not to mention salt water taffy. New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries. The first Indian reservation was in New Jersey, in the Watchung Mountains. New Jersey has the tallest water-tower in the world. (Union, NJ!!!) New Jersey had the first medical center, in Jersey City. The Pulaski SkyWay, from Jersey City to Newark, was the first skyway highway. NJ built the first tunnel under a river, the Hudson (Holland Tunnel). The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, NJ, which is also the birthplace of Frank Sinatra. The first intercollegiate football game was played in New Brunswick in 1889 (Rutgers College played Princeton). The first drive-in movie theater was opened in Camden, NJ, (but they're all gone now!). New Jersey is home to both of "NEW YORK'S" pro football teams! The first radio station and broadcast was in Paterson, NJ. The first FM radio broadcast was made from Alpine, NJ, by Maj. Thomas Armstrong. All New Jersey natives: Sal Martorano, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Jason Alexander, Queen Latifah, Susan Sarandon, Connie Francis, Shaq, Judy Blume, Aaron Burr, Joan Robertson, Ken Kross, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughn, Budd Abbott, Lou Costello, Alan Ginsberg, Norman Mailer, Marilynn McCoo, Flip Wilson, Alexander Hamilton, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Linda McElroy, Eileen Donnelly, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Tom Cruise, Joyce Kilmer, Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero, Lauryn Hill, Ice-T, Nick Adams, Nathan Lane, Sandra Dee, Danny DeVito, Richard Conti, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Robert Blake, John Forsythe, Meryl Streep, Loretta Swit, Norman Lloyd, Paul Simon, Jerry Herman, Gorden McCrae, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Phyllis Newman, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Eva Marie Saint, Elisabeth Shue, Zebulon Pike, James Fennimore Cooper, Admiral Wm.Halsey,Jr., Dave Thomas (Wendy's), William Carlos Williams, Ray Liotta, Robert Wuhl, Bob Reyers, Paul Robeson, Ernie Kovacs, Joseph Macchia, "Uncle Floyd," Kelly Ripa, and, of course, Francis Albert Sinatra. You know you're from Jersey when . . . You don't think of fruit when people mention "The Oranges." You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags. A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter. You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven. You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned, or drunk, at 3 A.M. You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery. At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from. You know what a "jug handle" is. You know that WaWa is a convenience store. You know that the state isn't all farmland. You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey--there's the shore--and you don't go "to the shore," you go "down the shore." And when you are there, you're not "at the shore"; you are "down the shore." You know how to properly negotiate a circle. You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving. You know that this is the only "New" state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (try . . . Mexico . . York, Hampshire-- doesn't work, does it?). You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich. You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege You don't think "What exit?" is very funny. You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different." Yes they are! You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton--that's for out-of-staters. The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or localbar. You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls. You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers. Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony. You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits. You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall. You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Channel, Bamberger's and Orbach's. You also remember Palisades Amusement Park. And finally . . . You've NEVER, NEVER pumped your own gas. AMEN!!!
How could you leave out the Karate Kid??? Actually an independent rather than republican, but this is still pretty funny...
Elderly $$ Math An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50 and says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $80, and I get $73 back from Medicare!"
Five Good Ones "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments." "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Smart Fishing Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?" The other fisherman replies "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish." They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." About 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty." "This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!" "I know," says the other. "And the bucket's almost empty!"
The most expensive remote control you'll ever get. (And it is the oldest remote control known to man, predating the high tech stuff) The first payment is only the down payment for never ending payments for the rest of your life. The problem is further compounded by the fact that it is losing its effectiveness over time.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."