What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMWs or Lamborginis? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.. "a recipe". How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides AND...LAST BUT NOT LEAST What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t.
Meeting Of Minds A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens. "No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner!" Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from or what heâs doing, but he says to himself, "I hope he can help me. If he can't, then I'm in real trouble." When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what that position is, and how to do it ? The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : "Your sister likes this position too." Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.
FOREIGN EXCHANGE I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. I chose the shortest line, just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?" The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
The Simple Truth Isn't it true that anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is brand new or the girlfriend is?
A Reasonable Request A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. "What time do you open up in the morning?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire. The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. "Listen" the owner shouted, "there's no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn't let a person in your condition in." "I don't want to get in," the caller interjected. "I just want to get out!
Pat Robertson agains shows us he is nuts: http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/showthread.php?threadid=58638
The Nude Beach A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."