Jokes

A Clinton oldie ... but a good one

 

Painted on a blast door of a Minuteman missile silo:

http://www.cr.nps.gov/history/online_books/mimi/images/fig63.jpg

 

The Empty Seat

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat.

As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty.

John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1948...

John said that it was really sad and asked the man if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man bringing his beer cup to his lips, "They're all at the funeral!"

 

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe
for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it
might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he
didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him
upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to
someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this
restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really
worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was
it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I
loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the
heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We
finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I
tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes,
he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just
cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I
really think he's seeing someone else.



HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

Played badly today --- shot 97 - - -can't putt for shit! Felt kind of tired.


Got laid though

 

Three Northern Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner.."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"


2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!

3rd Hillbilly: "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! ...I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 rubbers in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker.

 

A Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy
the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a
piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back
down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"

"Darned if I know, he said, but this morning my sister was missing one, Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the army".

 

LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..


... you just hoped nobody ever found out!

 

1.Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive...”

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

4. A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

8. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s Not Unusual.”

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look
at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin.
But I’m pretty sure it’s Calvin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

15. I went to the butcher’s the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A “fsh”.

 

Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very
exciting youth.

How comes it takes so little time for a child who is afraid
of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all
night?

Scratch a dog and you'll have a permanent job.

There are no new sins.......the old ones just get more
publicity.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in
deep water.

How come we choose from just two people for president,
and 50 for Miss America?

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make
him wag his tail.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live
long enough to make them all yourself.

One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in
life is to work so hard the boss will think he's
after his job.

A backyard barbecue draws two things.......flies
and relatives.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always
starts tomorrow.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't
have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

You know you're old when you reach down to get the
wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you
aren't wearing any.

 

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden he smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that kinda shit in our garden!" she said.