Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mable: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist almost fainted.
IT'S EITHER BAD OR TERRIBLE The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?" "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking" "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks. "Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is..." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes, But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!"
GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD. PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that? GIRL: Well, he kissed me. PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: .. Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top. PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, he took my clothes off. PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, he had sex with me! PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: .Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS. PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD! .... BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTARD!!!!!
Donald Rumsfeld was giving the President his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!" His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sat head in hands. Finally, the President looked up and asked, "How many is a brazillion?"
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a huge mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
At last.... A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State: "2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN" Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Things Stressed Women Say at Work 1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well this day was a total waste of make up. 4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine? 5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. 6. Do I look like a people person? 7. This isn't an office. It's hell withfluorescent lighting. 8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. 9. Therapy is expensive. popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. 10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control? 11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. 13. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet. 16. Back Off!! You're standing in my aura. 17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too. 18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor? 19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 20. Wait..I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 21. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done. 22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 23. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 24. Earth is full. Go home. 25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego? 26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 28. You are depriving some village of an idiot. 29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. 30. Look in my eyes..do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?
The Best Excuse A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
What's the difference between... What's the difference between a midget magician and a female track star? The midget magician is a cunning little runt. ---------------------------------------- And, the difference between little fish in the fountains in the park and the big horned sheep in the hills? The little fish spend their days just mucking around in the fountains. ----------------------------------------- What's the difference between trying to find a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva? Well, one is a hunt on a course...