Jokes

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.



Try not to give a rushed answer. Read the text and then give an honest answer.



There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.



This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.



The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.



Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.



Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush!



At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.



You have two options: you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.



So, here's the question and please give an honest answer:



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

Another Lawyer Joke

NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. To which the lawyer replied with a wink, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and with the third one we'll send the engineer!"

 

Robert

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn...

 

Those Funny Lawyers!

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had, no idea"

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the world makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

 

Vicky Lynn Hogan (birth name) aka Vicky Smith?

Better known as Anna Nicole Smith.

Just make that $20 mil $1.6 billion.

 

Women's Key Words And What They Really Mean

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour. It is equivalent to
the five minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even
trade.

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your
toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that
will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will
end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or
"do what you want because I don't care." You will get a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five
Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh"
means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually
understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or
breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants
to think long and hard before paying you retributions for
whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often
used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future
when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in
some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or
reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say
you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from ‘THANKS." A woman
will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at
you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous
way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be care not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only
tell you "Oh Nothing."

It must be genetic because my 14 year old daughter has never seen the list and can already do several of them without thinking. Unless mom secretly passed along or taught her the list.

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

 

Word Mongering

A day without sunshine is like . . . Night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
God, please give me patience... NOW!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If you believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

Hurry and apply, there are still jobs available in the Bush Administration, no experience needed.

application:

http://www.cronyjobs.com/

DS

 

Oldie But Still Very Funny

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = the problem logged by the pilot.) (S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.