Very old but maybe someone hasn't heard it. A beautiful blond is driving her convertible rather fast when she looks out the side view mirror and sees a police car with the lights flashing. She immediately slows down and pulls her car over to the side of the road when a state policeman gets out of his car and begins unbuckling his belt. As he approaches her car she exclaims in some distress, "Oh no. Not the breath analyzer test again".
WHO'S YO' DADDY!? These will make you smile and shake your head... When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out # 11 - it takes the prize and # 3 is runner up. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me. 8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue. 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. Yep, you guessed it right. There are many dim bulbs out there, getting dimmer all the time!
Grandpa's Advice I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and on a very personal level. My long-since passed away grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and true, but the one I remember best, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came from him when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands." "Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked. "It makes your pecker look bigger," he explained. Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
MEN ARE LIKE...(for the ladies) 1. Men are like ......Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like .......Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like .....Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like .....Blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ..Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like .....Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ......Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like ...Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like .. Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like .....Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like .....Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Death and Irish An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order." O'Malley was shocked.... but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting. "Well, Son," O'Malley said, "We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well.... I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer.... but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone." (You gotta love the Irish!!)
BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000. "This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash." The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild. "Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it." The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana. "Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!" However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans. "This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit." "This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again." The money gained from 'The Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.
Headlines from the year 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
At risk of being labled... New Drugs For Women D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. S T. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now? B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him