Ladies' Night: Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to 'tinkle', so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst . . . my wife came home with no panties!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said: From all of us at the Fire Station. 'We will never forget you'."
Dating Diversity - NOT for the Politically Correct: DATING RITUALS WHITE WOMEN First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position. IRISH WOMEN First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. ITALIAN WOMEN First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. JEWISH WOMEN First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. CHINESE WOMEN First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen. INDIAN WOMEN First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMEN First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. MEXICAN WOMEN First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande. The "POINT" DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?,
Here are the Top-Ten "tells" that will alert you that someone is a daytrader: 10. Refers to Touchdown run as a "classic breakout through resistance" 9. Complains to waitress that he's still waiting on a fill on his dessert order 8. Insists that Happy Hour should begin at 1:00 PM on the West Coast 7. Broker Trade Desk is his "in case of emergency" contact 6. Fibonacci lines drawn on speedometer 5. Falls asleep from boredom during NYC cab ride 4. Trys to sell antique pot he bought this morning to neighbor in order to "lock in profits" 3. Dumps girlfriend by telling her that the relationship hit his stop-loss. 2. PDA on nightstand displaying futures quotes 1. Wearing a daytrading team t-shirt.
ROFL Here's one more: Drives by gas station, sees a 25-cent jump in price and long lines and thinks "Hmmm . . . long white candle on heavy volume. I wonder what the stochastic shows?"
These two guys are walking near a river when they see this piece of shit floating down the river. All of a sudden the piece of shit starts talking and says "Hey guys, come on in the water is fine!" So the one guy turns to the other and says "You believe that shit?..... How does snoop dog keep his clothes white? With BLEEATCH! This guy sees a Pirate in a bar and notices he has a stearing wheel attached to his groin. The guy goes up to the Pirate and asks "Why do you have a steering wheel attached to your groin?" And the Pirate says " ARRRR it's driving me nuts" those are all the cheezy ones i can remeber off the top of my head...chances are i read them here in the 400 pages of jokes and just don't remember
the original joke is with lawyers.... like.....humm Kerry ? Edwards ? Clinton ? Funny how things change.....
Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!" :eek:
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
Deed Of Merit A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!" St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago!"