Ah yes, our celebs and elected leaders at their very bestest: Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A democratic congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH) "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, Vice President. "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Redville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Pregnancy Questions & Answers & more!! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. when will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes; in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the word "Alimony" means anything to you... Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy! Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel & act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
Journalists sometimes ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Here's one of the better responses: "I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When i came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a "Hillary in '08'" bumper sticker on it. You see, I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at our age!"
An Old Italian's Advice An old Italian Mafia don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed, "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead." "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. "Whadda you gonna do then ... pointa to you watch anda say, Times Up'?"
There are two ballons bouncing around the desert, one says to the other: âbeware of the cactus! âwhat cactushhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Another Texas Story A West Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The cowboy said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The old bronc-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but, perhaps because of my job, I have developed a condition where I have a permanent and very hard erection that doesn't seem that it's going to abate any time soon. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses!"
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather gorgeous blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken,but I think you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?" "Um, no",she replied coldly "I'm your son's teacher".
I think this joke is originally from German where it is slightly (only slightly) funnier. The punchline: - Cactussssssssssssssssssssssss! - Wasssssssssssssssssssssssss? Was meaning "What?" in German. Martin
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they had nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side effects. Nothing at all. Then the phone rings...it's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't even get a hangover". Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing.." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No......." "Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."