I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
World's Shortest and Best Fairy Tale Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot. He had all the best electronic equipment, the fastest cars, boats, and motorcycles. He drank beer whenever he wanted, stayed up all night and dated lots of fabulous women. He lived happy and fulfilled up to the ripe old age of 100! THE END
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again." :eek:
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
Q. What does Bush think of Roe v. Wade? A. He really doesn't give a shit how people get out of New Orleans.
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, that's no problem, how many do you want? The man answered, just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces. That won't do you any good, said the pharmacist. That's all right, continues the old man. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.
A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?" The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you." The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, "One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite... And, I said to myself, 'Holy shit! I've caught a whale!'" "No kidding?" pried the boy. The geezer continued, "But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..." "And?" interjected the boy. "Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?
Things To Do In An Elevator 1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on. 4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play. 7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking. 8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!" 10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" 11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" 12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
Puppies for sale - - Not a joke, just a message... A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy. "Mister," he said, "I want to buy "one of your puppies." "Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money." The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?" "Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a Whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up.... "I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would." With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands." With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy. "How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge,"answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love." The world is full of people who need someone who understands. It's National Friendship Week. ******************************* Hope you have friends with whom you can share this message !! Cheers !!
President Bush in reply to the question of his opinion of Roe V. Wade: "However the people get out of New Orleans is fine by me."