Spanish sighs at Jeb's royal gaffe Who would have thought that Jeb Bush, the president's brother, was a closet supporter of the leftwingers who fought against Franco in the Spanish civil war? But this week the governor of Florida has caused ripples by referring to Spain as the "republic" it was then rather than as the monarchy it is now. Mr Bush was in Madrid on a trade mission when, paying tribute to Jose Maria Aznar, the prime minister, he said: "I would like to finish by thanking the president of the Republic of Spain for his friendship with the United States." But Spain ceased being a republic in 1939 when General Franco defeated the Republican side and became dictator. The constitutional monarchy was restored under Juan Carlos II in 1975, after Franco's death.
OPTIONAL777:`Further confimation that you are Wild.´ Further `confimation´ that Jeb is a Republican - and that you are OPTIONAL777, the master of tasteful `jokes´.
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" is feminine -- "la maison." "Pencil" is masculine -- "le crayon." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is Incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time THEY are the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you have waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman... On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. " I' m too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt..... one button at a time. ....... No one moves. ....... He removes his shirt. ....... Muscles ripple across his chest. ...... She gasps.......... He whispers: ....... "Iron this, and get me something to eat.. An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy? " He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am. " She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower I think about women. When I watch TV I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women. " The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy? " He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian. "
THE THEORY OF PURRPETUAL MOTION Question: if you buttered the back of a cat, which way down would it land? Law 1: The Laws of Butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground. Law 2: The equally strict Laws of Feline Aerodynamics demand that the cat cannot smash its furry back - it must land on its feet. If the combined constructed of cat + butter were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox (of purradox). Therefore it cannot fall. When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet. Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula: p = s * t(t)/t? 'p' is the probability of carpet impact, 's' is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. t? and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even Chicken Tikka Masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet. In essence, you have discovered the secret of antigravity. A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. It has been theorized by some researchers that most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The most obvious danger of feline antigravity propulsion is that lithe cats may manage to lick the butter off their backs. They will then instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them. This suggests that aliens have not yet discovered tikka masala sauce and that some researchers really should stop watching Star Trek. We must also consider the application of Murphy's Laws to this theory. Murphy's Laws are also known as Sod's Law or the Law of Perversity/Cussedness. In its simplest form, it states: "Anything which can go wrong will go wrong" Here are some of the more likely outcomes of the application of Murphy's Law into Butterology/Feline Aerodynamics in an experiment involving a "cat + buttered bread" scenario. We leave the Application of Murphy's Law to "cat + tikka masala sauce" scenarios as a theoretical exercise for the reader. As soon as you release said feline from a suitably high place, the strap used to tie the bread to the back of the cat will break, thus nullifying the bond between the bread and the feline. You may attempt to defy this by applying the butter directly to the cat's fur, in which case the cat will lick off part of your carefully calculated quantity of butter (i.e. that amount which holds the cat-butter assemblage in equilibrium) In either case, a very cross cat will land on its feet, claws extended, upon a lawyer's brand new soft-top car - scratching the top to shreds if it is raised or depositing copious amounts of fear-induced feline excrement on the driver's seat if the top is lowered. Meanwhile, the liberated piece of buttered bread will fall buttered side down, landing on the toupee of the only newspaper reporter foolhardy enough to cover this misguided experiment, resulting in a reference to you in the Weekly World News (or New Scientist), in which your name will appear adjacent to the phrase phrase "foolish quack". At the same time, a concerned passer-by will report your experiment to the PETA, your country's main SPCA, anti-animal-experimentation groups etc etc, leading to your arrest, trial and conviction upon charges of animal abuse. Following headlines of "Cat-throwing scientist on cruelty charges" you will spend a couple of years answering to the name "Cindy" chosen by your love-starved cellmate "Butch". You will be banned from ever keeping animals and banned from the dairy products section of all major supermarkets. Addendum: The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat cannot smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. You have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat and butter are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred buttered tabbies.
Fireworks ban in France France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.
Subject: $1000 per night > > > > > The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well > dressed, gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. > > "I want to see Natalie," the gentleman replied. > > "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps, someone > else..." > > "No, I must see Natalie." > > Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged > $1,000.00 per visit. > > Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her 10 $100 > bills. The two went up to a room for an hour. Then, the man calmly left. > > The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie > explained it is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row > and that there were no discounts. It was still $1,000.00 a visit. Again, the > man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he > left. > > When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. > Again, he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end > of the hour, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used my services > three nights in a row. Where are you from?" > > The gentleman replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." > > "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who live there." > > "Yes, I know," said the gentleman. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's > attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance." > > MORAL: Some things in life are certain... > 1. Death > 2. Taxes > 3. Being screwed by an attorney >