HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her"...You need to pray at work. :-[ When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work. When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work. When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him...... You need to pray at work. :-\ When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work. :-[ & :-\ When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!".... You need to pray at work. When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy b*&%$#"...... You need to pray at work. When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"....... You need to pray at work. If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with...... You need to pray at work. :-[ If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story .......You need to pray at work. :-[ If you know all the words that have been bleeped out....You need to pray at work! :-[ LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS...
----- THE OLD DUDE An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock, brought out a $5,000 ring, and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000.00," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Texans in France A Texas Panhandle rancher and his wife were bickering while on holiday in France. They were still hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. When the waiter arrived the rancher said: "I'll have a big, thick porterhouse steak." The waiter replied: "Mais Monsieur .. what about ze mad cow?" To which the rancher replied, "Oh, she'll just have a salad."
Honeymoon Tales A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. Next morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" âNo," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and worked both sides of the Ohio River!
How Hard Is It To Follow Instructions? Jack was single. He lived in a small house, which he shared with a pet parrot and a large pit bull named Spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Jim, the repairman to come and fix it. âSpike looks wild but he won't harm you,â said Jack before leaving, "HOWEVER, no matter what, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT!!!" Soon after, the parrot started on Jim: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp..." Jim ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, âso how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?" Fed up, Jim replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?" "Thatâs it!" said the parrot loudly, "Spike, my brother, GET HIM!!!"
A wealthy Texas rancher and his son are visiting colleges. The son has done quite well in high school and his father wants nothing but the best for him. They are in Boston visiting Harvard, just taking a look around, appreciating the architecture and the old world atmosphere. The rancher stops a passing student: "Excuse me, son, wouldya mind telling me where the library's at?" The student looks the rancher up and down, taking in the Stetson hat, the flannel shirt, the big, shiny belt buckle, the Wrangler jeans. He says with a sniff: "I must point out that at Harvard we do not end our sentences with a preposition." The rancher thinks this over for a moment and replies: "I reckon I can handle that. Would you tell me where the library's at, asshole?" Martin