George was fixing the front door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Louise to the hardware store to buy one. At the hardware store Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Henry, the manager, to finish waiting on another customer. When Henry was finished, Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?" Henry replied, "That's real silver and it costs $500." "My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that George had sent her to buy, and Henry went to the back room to find it. >From the back room Henry yelled, "Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Louise hollered back, "No, but I will for the teapot.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kinds. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
FEMALE PRAYER: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen. MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big, firm boobs, who likes to cook, owns a food and liquor store, and has a big sailboat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
Why men should always think twice before speaking! A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a young and strong Marine standing in there at attention?" To which the lady said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a tired veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".
The boy stood on the burning deck,his legs were braced akimbo. The Captain asked 'Boy,we're both dead,why must you practice Limbo.'? 'I know we're dead,' the boy replied 'but I thought while I was waiting. I'd practice my art one last time so I might Limbo Heavens' gating.'
In 1923, Who Was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them. The Answers: 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane. 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide. However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death. The Moral: Screw work. Play golf.
Well, as seen in the joke above, we certainly have several additional candidates for the looney bin, LOL. Don