1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World. 4. Evangelicals do not recognize each other at Hooters.
Smarts Galore Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California; would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its best men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. This deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated man walked away. AND HERE IS A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
America in 1904: What a Difference a Century Makes! It's amazing how much, and how little, things change over time. Take a look at America a shade over a century ago (1904) based on a series of one-line statistics shared during a history lecture at the University of California, Berkeley: The average life expectancy in the U.S.was 47 years old. Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost only $11. There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California; with a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The Eiffel Tower was the tallest structure in the world. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200-$400 a year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 a year; a dentist $2,500 a year; a veterinarian between $1,500-$4,000 a year; and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 a year. More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home. Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians didn't have a college education; instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost 4 cents a pound (and less than 6 pounds per year were consumed per person on average in processed foods or drinks); eggs were 14 cents a dozen; coffee cost 15 cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars: Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans were high school graduates. Coca Cola contained cocaine. Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
Another true story.You know its true, because theres no punchline. This guy had been entrusted by his girlfreind with a couple of what she described as "heirlooms" and "collectables". Enormous sentimental, and presumably monetary value. Never locked the house, and lo and behold, they vanished-without trace. Nothing else was taken-the place was deliberately left a junkyard mess, with nothing valuable around- a burglary would have just cleaned it up a little. The girlfreind went absolutely ballistic, he'd get no peace 'till they were found, ever. If he so much as left the toilet seat up, a frosty, chilly reminder of the collectables awaited. The poor guy was absolutely in the doghouse for months, he had no idea what happened, couldnt find them anywhere. As luck would have it, he saw an add for said items in the paper- from an address in the same neighbourhood. Coincedence? No. He'd got none for months, been treated like dirt, and he was pissed off. He turned up at the place, made his intentions clear-one guy ran for it, another pointed accusingly at the culprit,( just idiot teenagers) and he proceeded to belt the bejeesus out of him. The "sandbag" he called it, grab high and hit in the middle. This guy weighs 145 kgs, and was not to be meddled with. He finally calmed down, leaving the culprit on the floor vomiting and dry retching, grabbed his rightful property and left. Must have been important, to do all that, right? Gettin none for months? Getting chewed out, endlessly, over any and everything? Belting the ### out of someone to get the items back? Did a search on the net , the items were worth about $13 on the open market. Couldnt beleive it. Women.
Raise them and they will come (sometime): A man and his wife were about to celebrate their 50th Anniversary. Their three kids, all quite successful and very wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses. "Happy anniversary mom and dad," gushed number one son. "Sorry I'm running late...had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you a present." "Not to worry," said the Mom. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and said, "You and Dad still look great Mom. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present...sorry." "It's nothing," said the mother, glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the Mom said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but.....we just never got around to getting married." The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS??" "Yep" said the dad ".....and damn cheap ones too!"
Just a reminder. . . . . "A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with."
A Serbian refugee goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. During the vision test, the clerk shows him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z "Can you read this?" she asks. "Read it?" the Serb replies, " I know the guy."
Sympathy Pains Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, she politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting. He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down. "Yes officer?" "I have to ask you, what are you doing?" "Well sir, I am reading a magazine." "What about the young lady in the backseat?" The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater." "How old are you young man?" the officer asks. "I am 25 Officer." "And the girl?" The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind and you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so ....And there's nothing you can do about it!