Smart Guys! Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy goes to the second, "I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of this crap." The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000. The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet. They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, "Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?"
A Woman's Work One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wifeâs car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!! He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel. She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work, look around you accusingly and ask me what in the world did I do today with all my $##**%% free time?" "Yes", he replied reluctantly. She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
Because this actually happened. The guy was a nurse in a psychiatric centre, if it makes it funnier........true. This chap had recently gotten engaged, had put his deposit down on the house, and started thinking about the security aspect for his family, future bambinoes, that sort of thing. He had an aquantance, who knew about canines, and he ended up with a purebred pit bull pup, and everything was fine, dog was great, everything good. He did notice, it liked to sleep a lot, sunning itself in the window, as 8 month old dogs do, and the dog already had some solid dog training behind it, starting as a puppy(obedience and security type stuff-spent a packet). He went to work one day, as usual, leaving the dog snoozing- and came home after work, to find the vcr, television, ipod, sound system , the secret cash stash (secret from the fiance of course) missing, the door wide open, and his pit bull snoozing soundly on its cushion. He was really p**sd off. The police couldnt do anything, because he didnt lock his house (relying on the dog, i guess, no break and enter you see) and insurance , same deal-true story. He spent more on the training and vet bills and buying the pup than was stolen( in the thousands) so if theres an ironic punch line to this, thats it : it would have been cheaper to have been plain old burgled, and not even thought about security. Ps- He wanted to get rid of the dog, but his fiance loved the thing, so they kept it. True story.
"It's true" When read on the internet, this is almost always preface to a lie. But then TGregg loves lies, look at his favorite politicians... m
Poor ol' Mackie. Can't stand to be wrong so often, has to accuse me of lies in the Jokes Thread, LOL.
Warning - if you are easily offended, don't open the attachment. Ethics Test You are running late for work, so you cut through the park to save time. As you round the corner you find a little girl crying because she has spilled her ice cream all over herself. What do you do? A) You are so late that you keep on going and hope that no one sees you. B) You stop and offer to buy her another ice cream to shut her up. C) You stop and offer to clean her up and get her another ice cream. Open attachment to see if you gave the correct answer.
Where Are You? You know you're in Arizona whenâ¦.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel. 3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. 5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. 6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads. 7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU &&^^%%$$ KIDDING ME??!! 10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. You know you're in California when.. 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You know you're in New York City when... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4. You think Central Park is "nature," 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn. 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. You know you're in Maine when... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You know you're in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. After twenty five years of living there you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?" 4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. You know you're in Colorado when... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail. You know you're in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" You know you're in Florida when.... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people 6. By now, five years later, you think you've figured out what a chad is!