Twenty-eight years ago, Bubba Thibodeaux, a Louisiana man from deep in the bayou, was drafted by the Army. On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. ....................... The Army is still looking for Bubba.........
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins- Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested" Now,close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
BEDTIME POEMS --For BIG Kids > > > > Mary had a little pig, > She kept it fat and plastered; > And when the price of pork went up, > She shot the little bastard. > > > > > > > > > > MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB > > Her father shot it dead. > > Now it goes to school with her, > > Between two hunks of bread. > > > > > > > JACK AND JILL Went up the hill > > To have a little fun. > > Stupid Jill forgot the pill > > And now they have a son. > > > > > > > > SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair. > > Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, > > "What have you got there?" > > Said the Pie man unto Simon, > > "Pies, you dumb #$%!" > > > > > > > HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, > > Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. > > All the kings' horses, > > And all the kings' men. > > Had scrambled eggs, > > For breakfast again. > > > > > > > > HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, > > All over the bedside clock. > > The little dog laughed to see such fun. > > Then died of electric shock. > > > > > > > > GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, > > Kissed the girls and made them cry. > > And when the boys came out to play, > > He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. > > > > > > > > There was a little girl who had a little curl > > Right in the middle of her forehead. > > When she was good, she was very, very good. > > But when she was bad........ > > She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
Math Education: Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well, then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
200th Anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar ADMIRAL NELSON'S FLEET CONFRONTS THE FRENCH & SPANISH WARSHIPS OFF TRAFALGAR Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Governmentâs policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...........full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foâcâsle Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety wonât let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life" Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir." Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
LIFE EXPLAINED A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American tourist complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the Greek. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, dance a little, play the bouzouki, and sing a few songs. I have a full life." The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Athens, Los Angeles or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the Greek. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American. "And after that?" "Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings singing, dancing and playing the bouzouki with your friends!"