A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realising that her little boy is in there already. The little boy says: "Dark in here." The man says: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!" Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250." A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have soccer boots." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?" The boy says:"$750." The secret lover says: "Fine, I will buy them." A few days later, the father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots,let's go outside and have a game." The boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $1000." The father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.....$1000 is way more than those two things cost.I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says: "Dark in here." The priest says: "Don't start that shit again!"
Heaven and Hell One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a burning hot desolate wasteland covered in redio-active garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in bottomless sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Look, honey, yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff..."
Cars in the Bible? Most people think that cars are something new, but the true Bible scholar knows different. The Bible very plainly states that Moses had a Rod, and his brother Aaron had a Rod, too. God must have one also, because David in the 23rd Psalm says, "Thy Rod comforts me." People assume that the WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?" But again, we know that the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth, because his Father drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury. Later, in Psalm 83:15 David tells us that the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest, and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Meanwhile, Moses must have rode around on an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in all the hills." And could it be that Joshua had a Triumph sports car with a bad muffler. The scriptures say that "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in the gospel of John where Christ tells the people, "For I did not speak of my own Accord. And following their Masters lead, the apostles carpooled in a Honda, as the scriptures say, "The Apostles were all in one Accord."
Corporate Life #20 The Manager to the employee: "I appreciate the fact that you have your own opinion about how things should be run around here and I like your approach... let's now see your departure!"
A refresher.... It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little for himself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes 54. give the authority but never expect her to be responsible 55. give her the last word no matter what the cost to your life and limb IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes. HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Show up naked 2. Fix him something to eat.
Hillary Clinton is elected President in 2008 and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long..... The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that ----too hard" The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that ---- not fun" On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN by George Carlin I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican! I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it! I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to. My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one? I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good.....and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years. I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again? If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
Some of you people are soooo gullible and maybe a bit dimwitted... http://www.snopes.com/language/document/carlin.htm With half a brain you can figure out that this is bullshit. m
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed. "What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering whack, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's ten past three in the morning!"