An Honest True Story I f you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. "Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job'. Rob"
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Rocket Science When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me!"
Women and Menopause... Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb? A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE! ... I'm sorry.... What was the question?
You May Be An EXTREME Redneck If..... 1.You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2.The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4.You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5.You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 6.Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys,watch this" 7.You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8.Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9.Your junior prom offered day care. 10.You think the last words of the "Star-spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines." 11.You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right Off its wheels. 12.The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13.You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14.At least one of your kids was born on a pool table. 15.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16.You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question? Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: "Coconut" Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum" Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Shake hands" Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
Doctor Dave... Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go". But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave...you're a vetinarian."
Farming is a tough business! An Old farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and ask "would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said "yes" and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the other eye. The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked "are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said "yes" and broke down crying. The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?" Drying his eyes he said, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches!"