The International Scene On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman. Two French men and one French woman. Two German men and one German woman. Two Greek men and one Greek woman. Two British men and one British woman. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman. Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman. Two Vietnamese men and one Vietnamese woman. Two Irish men and one Irish woman. Two American men and one American woman. One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: -One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman... -The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois. -The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. -The two Greek men are drinking ouzo, dancing and playing backgammon all the time, while the Greek woman is cooking, sewing and cleaning for them â and, for some weird reason, sheâs happy and fulfilled doing that. -The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman. -The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming towards another island. -The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. -The two Vietnamese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. -The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and setup two regional distilleries. They do not remember where is the Irish woman, or if sex is in the picture at all, because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun. -The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping...!!!
A Few Oldies A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you..." "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. He said - "Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly. " She said - "Well, you succeeded." He said - "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She said - "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart." He said - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" She said - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror." Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! AND THE BEST ONE YET... A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: * She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. * Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. * Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. * Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. * And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
CHALK ONE UP FOR THE OLD DUDE An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!" "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?â
How Animals Think A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, clean after me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, clean after me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Here's one I've enjoyed telling more than once: Amall and Juan A young lady in Chicago had boy twins, gave them up for adoption. One was adopted by a couple in Spain; they named their boy Juan. The other one was adopted by a couple in Egypt; they named their boy Amall. Many years later Juan finds his birth mother, sends his picture to her. She very happy, at first, when she received the picture. But then started feeling a little sad. Her husband asked, "What's wrong?" She said, "I wish I also had a picture of Amall." The husband said, "But they are twins . . . if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amall." I'm sure glad none of you know where I live.
Not really a joke - but a great site, none-the-less. http://www.sithsense.com/flash.htm It's a tad slow but this garl dang thing is very very accurate. Enjoy.
Going To School Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old, and for another, you're the Principal!"
Not really a joke but, this had me laughing today: (You will need to scroll down the page and play the "Don't Worry, be Happy - Media Player" file.) http://www.achamchen.com/investment.htm
Being Discrete Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $5,000 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" To which Rippington answers, "OK, I'll tell him, right away, no problem!"