Jokes

Subject: Men are from Mars? Women are from Venus? Looks that way!


For teachers... or any of us who have had to write an essay!
You will get a real charge out of this one. Remember the book - "Men
are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here is a true life example
from the University of Phoenix. An English Professor assigned his
students to a joint writing exercise that quickly degraded - check it out...


"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting
to his or her immediate right.

> > >As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a
> > >short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send
> > >another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and
> > >then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending
> > >another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so
> > >on, back and forth.
> > >
> > >Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
> > >the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the
> > >e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail.
> > >The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
> > >
> > >The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
> > >
> > >Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).
> > >----------------------------------------------------------------
> > >
> > >THE STORY:
> > >
> > >(First paragraph by Rebecca)
> > >
> > >At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
> > >chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
> > >now
> > >reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that
> > >he
> > >liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
> > >mind
> > >off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
> > >about
> > >him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was
> > >out of
> > >the question.
> > >
> > >----------------------------------------------------------- (second
> > >paragraph by Gary)
> > >
> > >Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
> > >squadron
> > >now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
> > >than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
> > >whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
> > >Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
> > >orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
> > >could
> > >sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted
> > >a
> > >hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
> > >him
> > >flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
> > >
> > >---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)
> > >
> > >He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
> > >felt
> > >one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman
> > >who
> > >had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
> > >pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
> > >"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
> > >Laurie read in her newspaper one morning The news simultaneously
> > >excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of
> > >her
> > >youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
> > >newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
> > >innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must
> > >one
> > >lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
> > >--------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
> > >
> > >Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
> > >Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
> > >launched
> > >the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy
> > >peaceniks
> > >that pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the
> > >congress had left
> > >Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
> > >determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
> > >passage
> > >of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
> > >carrying
> > >enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
> > >them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
> > >fusion
> > >missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
> > >top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
> > >coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which
> > >vaporized
> > >poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President
> > >slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm
> > >going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
> > >---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)
> > >
> > >This is absurd I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
> > >writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.
> > >
> > >---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
> > >
> > >Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
> > >at
> > >writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
> > >chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh
> > >no,
> > >I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
> > >novels."
> > >
> > >---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)
> > >A**hole.
> > >
> > >---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
> > >
> > >B****.
> > >-------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)
> > >
> > >Get screwed.
> > >
> > >---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
> > >
> > >Eat sh**.
> > >
> > >--------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)
> > >
> > >SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
> > >
> > >---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
> > >GO DRINK SOME TEA - *****.
> > >
> > >**********************************************
> > >(TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.

<![endif]>

 

President Bush, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife and says, “Laura, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
Laura grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 you take it up the ass!”
Laura grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Laura, I’ve given you three options. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
She sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later, President Bush comes back. “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”
Laura complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants. The Laura is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at him and says, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!”
“Yes!” says W. “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

 

LIFE'S GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a whole lot readier to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs, cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

LOL. Full of wisdoms, and experiences.

 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present
of $5,000 and observes to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty
salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new
outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells
him that she has done this to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much.The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him
a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer,
and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she
tells him that she has spent all the money on him because
she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns
several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 a nd
reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him
that she wants to save for their future because she loves
him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had
done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one
with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

 

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a wee Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the
golfer poured a bit of Irish whiskey over the little guy to revive him.


"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got
me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"


"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't
want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really
didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.


"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and
square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want - a great golf game, all the money he ever
needs, and a fantastic sex life."


A year went by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer
was back on the same hole. He again hit a bad drive into woods and the
Leprechaun was there waiting for him.


"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"


"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first
bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."


"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?"


"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf."
If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I
didn't even know were there!"


"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"


The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, and says shyly,
"It's OK."


"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did
good job. How many times a day? "


Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once,
sometimes twice a week."


"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or
twice a week?"


"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish"

 

THE TEXAS PREACHER

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.

 

Some Oldies

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." To which, the blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus right now, so shut up!"

 

Embarassing Research

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,

"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean you changed your mind and it'll cost me 25 bucks?!!!"