Never argue with a woman who reads, because she can also think. A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?) "You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading. "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up. "If you do, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
HILLARY IN THE NEWS Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers". At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh#*it it can no longer fly.
The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is: -- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her -- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in -- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it. -- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?" -- Married a long time: The man gets in, starts the car, forgets to unlock her door and drives off, while muttering things like: "What are you talking about?" She then hails a cab and follows him home, shaking her head form right to left and calling him names...
Who Says Rednecks Ain't Smart? "Hello? Is this the FBI?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report on my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descended on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil as they left. A few minutes later, Virgil's phone rang. "Hey, Virgil. This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" Did they chop your firewood?" "Sure did!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."
No urban legend here...these are all true! The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. ------ Anonymous If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went. ----- Will Rogers Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ----- Ann Landers There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ----- Ben Williams Dogs are the only things on earth that love you more than they love themselves. ----- Josh Billings The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. ----- Andy Rooney We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. ----- M. Acklam I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. ----- Rita Rudner Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog. ----- Franklin P Jones If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. ----- Unknown My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. ----- Joe Weinstein Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ----- Anne Tyler You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' ----- Dave Barry Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. ----- Roger Caras If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Binky only two of them. ----- Phil Pastoret My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am. ----- Anonymous
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: >> 29 have been accused of spousal abuse >> 7 have been arrested for fraud >> 19 have been accused of writing bad checks >> 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses >> 3 have done time for assault >> 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit >> 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges >> 8 have been arrested for shoplifting >> 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits >> 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Man Of God Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?" He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people!"