What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They're both black, and they both come on little white crackers.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These", she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
EVER WONDER? Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A couple of blondes (male, this time) were out hunting in the woods when they lost their way. One of them, Bruce, had read that when lost, you should fire three times into the air and help will come... So he did just that - he fired 3 times into the air. Nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend, Larry, told him to try a third time. "Okay," said Bruce, "but we're almost out of arrows."
Reflections on Government 1) Suppose you were an idiot AND suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself...Mark Twain 2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. . . .Winston Churchill 3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. . . .George Bernard Shaw 4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. . . G. Gordon Lidd 5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. . . .James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) 6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries⦠Douglas Casey, = Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University 7) Giving MONEY and POWER to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. . .P.J O'Rourke, Civil = Libertarian 8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. . .Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) 9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. . .Ronald Reagan = (1986) 10) I don't make jokes. I just WATCH the GOVERNMENT and report the facts. . .Will Rogers 11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free... P.J. O'Rourke 12) In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other... Voltaire (1764) 13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you⦠Pericles (430 B.C.) 14) No man's Life, Liberty, or Property is SAFE while the legislature is in session...Mark Twain (1866) 15) Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it. . . Unknown 16) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other... Ronald Reagan 17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery... Winston Churchill 18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin... Mark Twain 19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. . . Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) 20) There is no distinctly native American criminal class... save Congress...Mark Twain 21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. . . Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995) 22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have... Thomas Jefferson
A beautiful woman seated alone in an expensive L.A. restaurant was noticed by a sharp gentleman waiting at the bar for his table. The gentleman asked the waiter to charge a bottle of his best Merlot to his account and then deliver it to the lady. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
British Hospitality?? So this Texan who visits the UK to sample Wadworth's 6X and other fine beers is in London and decides to explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of bitter. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of bitter. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet." "Ah, yes," said the Bobby, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobby. "Whiz away Sir, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?" "No sir", replied the Bobby, "That is what we call the French Embassy!"
Good Point! Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "What? You can't do this â I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger raising his gun up to the man's face, "give me MY money!!"