Wait... in another words... Sooty raped 23 female guinea pigs... or he raped 2 of them and turned on the other 21... hmmm....
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "I" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of roduction is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60? Teaching Math in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . ?
> An Israili doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can > take a kidney out of one man, > put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." > > A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one > person, put it in another, and have > him looking for work in four weeks." > > A Russian doctor says "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can > take half a heart out of one > person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two > weeks." > > The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind. > We recently took a man with no > brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now > half the country is looking for > work."
LESSON NUMBER ONE: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. LESSON NUMBER TWO: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot him out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit may get you to the top but it won't keep you there. LESSON NUMBER THREE: When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do. LESSON NUMBER FOUR: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Lessons: (1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
OK, JWS, You $$%%##@@, you can use MY corporate life logo.... you didn't ask, but, go ahead, borrow it, no problem, we are all friends here.... you %%$$##@@ !!! (it was a good one - lol - bravo!)
RS7, I know how jokes are created, and yours is a funny one, I liked it, trust me, but it also made me think of something. Here goes, just an honest comment about America. It always amuses me that the super-extra-left-wing die-hard liberals, like my father-in-law and many of the socialist-leaning Europeans, are making noises that GWB is not smart or something. The man is a graduate of Yale and Harvard (MBA), a self-made millionnaire, married a wonderful lady, defeated alcoholism, raised a fine family, was elected Governor of Texas and then President of the USA - not to mention that he is one of the most popular and respected (no scandals - hear the silence?) presidents ever. And yes, he will fix that "little recession" he inherited from the other guy (the "depends on how you define 'is'" guy.) What else can an American do to silence the ever-present critics? Become the Pope? I mean, he couldn't have invented the Internet like Gore, could he?
Yes, he actually tried to go into the oil business (like his father) but didn't like it and he and some friends bought a baseball company for under $1M (I think) which he ran as a general manager and in a few years he sold his part for over $14M - not a bad business deal - proving both his entepreneurial skill and his ability to run a business... Yes, I understand, jokes are jokes, but it was always interesting to me to understand where all these rumors come from. Of course he makes some grammatical errors when he speaks, sometimes, but so do millions of other people, both here and in Europe, so, that couldn't be it. I think it's just politics - trying to find a sensitive spot... after all, Republicans have always teased Democrats that they (Rep) are more educated on average (which can be seen in statistics) therefore smarter (which is a stupid assertion that doesn't follow.) Oh well!