An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7" Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving, and tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..." The drunk replies; "Tits."
Accuracy in Government at Work The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an EAGLE to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's current affairs. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a false sense of security while you're actually being screwed. "Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that"
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing debate about who managed to get the most use out of his computer. This had been going on for days, and God finally had enough of it. So He set up a test: whoever could be the most productive after two hours on the computer would be the winner. So down they sat at the keyboards and began typing. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent out e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They uploaded. They made cards. They did every known job and several unknowns. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and the rains came down hard. Of course, the electricity went off. Satan was furious. When the electricity came back on he screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off! What am I going to do?" Jesus, however, just sat and smiled. He turned his computer back on. The screen glowed, and when he pushed "Print", all his files were still there, printing out. "How did you do it?" Satan asked. "Jesus saves."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."
Brain Cramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Best short joke of the year. A three year old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?" Mama answered, "Not yet."
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father â a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife. The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell. Mrs. Smith: "Good morning." Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..." Mrs. Smith: (Interrupting) "No need to explain, I've been expecting you." Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, specially twins." Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?" Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do." Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it?" Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?" Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out." Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me." Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'" Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?" Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that." Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?" Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London." Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!" Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." Mrs. Smith: "She was?" Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?" Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?" Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store." Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it." Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?" Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?... Mrs. Smith?... My goodness, she's fainted!"
Andy Rooney's Tips for Handling Telemarketers Three Little Words That Work !! (1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting. (2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible . This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!! (3) Junk Mail Help: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents. The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea ! If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.