Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the winter,"
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.
Super Joke This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar. "This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him. "Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar." "Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs. "Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says. "Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says. "Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk. After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!!"
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
I've heard that before but also have been told that roaches need water every day. So how does a headless roach find and drink water? That's not true. Sometimes (frequently?) the female will munch on the male, but not always. Blue whales can? Whoops, I thought it was mammals. I guess amongst land animals that might be true.
Jay Leno Jokes Gasoline prices continue to rise here in California. Prices are the highest in the nation, well over three dollars a gallon in some places. Unbelievable. The gas station near my house, they have a slot for your credit card and another one for your 401(k). In West Virginia, a guy gets into a fight with his girlfriend. He supposedly put a container of gasoline in her microwave oven and set the house on fire. Isn't that crazy, isn't that nuts? Doesn't this guy know the price of gas now? President Bush says this week he will ask Congress to further loosen immigration laws. Apparently he found out there were still some people left in Mexico. President Bush submitted to Congress a plan to create a safe border with Mexico by ye 2008. At the same time, President Fox submitted a plan to the Mexican Parliament to have everybody there safely in the US by ye 2007. Hundreds of private citizens will be patrolling the Mexican border beginning this weekend, to try to stem the tide of illegal immigration in this country. Unfortunately, the pay is so low the only people signing up are illegal immigrants. President George Bush, with his father and Bill Clinton flew to Rome to pay their respects to the late Pope John Paul II. This was an example of the faithful and the unfaithful working together ...
Year 2037 * Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. * Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. * Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. * Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. * Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). * France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica. * Castro finally dies at age 119; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. * George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. * Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. * 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss. * Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. * Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. * Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. * Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. * Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. * New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. * Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. * IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. * Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse and spotted the most beautiful, perfect,"loaded" Lexus & walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day,Madame. How may I help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna shit when you hear the price." :eek:
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed. "I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did!" replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks great from back here, too.'"
Prince Charles, upon hearing his son Harry wore a Swastika armband to a costume party... Charles: "Son, how the hell could you walk around with something so hideously ugly on your arm?!" Harry: "Dad, I was going to ask you the same thing."