TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN 1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them audibly. 2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your county. 3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer. 4. You are either a. like the Dutch, just less efficient b. like the French, just less romantic c. like the Germans. 5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer. 6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you. 7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade. 8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares. 9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders. 10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it? TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN : 1. It beats being an American. 2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. 4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. 7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins. 9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme. 10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground....... we love americans!!! TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH: 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. 2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time. 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs. 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early. 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on channel. 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries. 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star. 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride. 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just sh*t in the street. 10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN : 1. You can have a woman president without electing her. 2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it. 3. You can call Budweiser beer. 4. You can be a crook and still be president. 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything. 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun. 7. You get to be really obese. 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy". 10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN : 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes. 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur. 3. No need to worry about tax returns. 4. Glorious military history prior to 400 b.c. . 5. Can wear sunglasses inside. 6. Political stability. 7. Flexible working hours. 8. Live near the Pope. 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair. 10. Country run by Sicilian murderers. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN : 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Give them a second chance: 1. Oktoberfest 2. Okotberfest-beer 3. BMW 4. VW 5. Audi 6. Mercedes 7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world. 8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language. 9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious. 10. Contrary to common believe laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie." 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk,a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. They are all true.... Now go back and think about #16
After a few dubies one night, I wrote this. Gather your zealots. Bear the truth if you can. Cause Jehovah made women before she made man. Of each creature she made, Eve was her pride. But her life seemed amiss from the creatures she spied. Eve wanted a mate with some mental enlightment. And someone to provide her with sexual excitement. So she searched the world over and in each foreign land, she looked for a creature that she could call man. The lion and tiger she met as expected, but their sexual advances she soon rejected. The deer and the zebra saw her display, but alas and alack kept on eating their hay. Boarded silly with looking and nothing to do, she climbed Kilimanjaro just for the view. And thats were she spied him and chased him pell mell, cause Eve was a virgin and horney as hell. With eyes black as coal and a hide like macadam, she swore that she'd tame him, "And I'll call him Adam". So after the chasing and taming was done, Eve was in love, the gorilla was fun. So Adam and Eve forever were mated, and apes and humans forever related. Balling apes and gorillas takes a strong constitution, so that's why they called it, EVEalution.
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for rhymes with the most romantic first line . . . but the least romantic second line. 1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. 2. Thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. 3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. 4. Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face. 5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. 6. I want to feel your sweet embrace. But don't take that paper bag off of your face. 7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. 9. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. 10. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way. 11. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell." 12. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
My love's bronzed beauty matches the sun at its zenith A pity she's a tranny who used to be called Kenneth. My love is like a red,red rose I spiked my wang on a sharp bed post
Thweet!! A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's On her level, and asks "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fwuffy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit!"
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE! What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts? Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit... Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Now, scare me half to death!"
Little Johnny And His Train A few days after Christmas, Litle Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told Johnny, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when Little Johnny came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." ===== Liar, Liar! Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up 2 hours late. Johnny says, "I was 2 hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late." The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and relates the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?" Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Brutus. That's his third bear this week."