ATLANTA GEORGIA This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, who has ever lived in Atlanta, has visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who lives in Atlanta, knows anyone who has ever visited Atlanta or anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta, Georgia. Atlanta is composed mostly of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House." Except that in Cobb County, all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken and..." Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Road, Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Trace, Peachtree Ave, Peachtree Commons Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners, New Peachtree, Old Peachtree, West Peachtree, Peachtree-Dunwoody, Peachtree-Chamblee, or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard. Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions they will always send you down Peachtree. Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola. And even then it's still "Coke." A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?" Gate One at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that effect, so that out-of-towners don't feel lost...they're just on a scenic drive." The 8:00 AM rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM. The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon, and lasts through 2:00 AM Saturday. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are. A native can only pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue one way, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation "pahnss duh LEE-on" The fall of a raindrop makes everyone forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days, and it's on all the TV channels and radio stations as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. All the grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer. If there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" tee-shirts, not to mention the fact that all schools will close at the slightest possible chance of snow. The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy, which starts at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses - everything - is yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies, you will die. But other than that, it's a great place to live! There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one's ever seen before. "Onced" and "Twiced" are actual words. It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy. There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's only dinner - and, then, there is supper. 'Jeetyet?' is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat yet?" You install security lights on your house and garage - and then leave both unlocked. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but need 6 pages for local gossip and sports. You know whether another Georgian is from north Georgia, south Georgia or middle Georgia as soon as they open their mouth (Albany = All benny) Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as "goin wal-martin" or "off to Wally World" Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2.
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place, first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left. "What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains", said God.
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Homer took the money...
As we age, our priorities change ... The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, I tied her up and went fishing.
Marriage - Part I Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night..........whether you're here or not." (DAMM SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever" "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ****************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) ****************************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!) ************************************** Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
The Portrait A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." : The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Telephone Service Civil Service Selective Service City/County Public Service Customer Service Service Stations I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows. SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
A Public Defender Lawyer got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named William Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "Do you realize what time it is ? Where have you been?", and on and on............. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his Stay of Execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman, don't you ever stop!?"