PRINCIPLES OF SEX You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." -Steve Martin- "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." -Woody Allen- "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." -Rodney Dangerfield- "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." -Lynn Lavner- "Sex for a man at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -Camille Paglia- "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." -George Burns- "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -Sharon Stone- "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -Tiger Woods- "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson- "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -Barbara Bush - "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -Billy> Crystal- "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -Robert De Niro- "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -Dustin Hoffman- "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfeld- "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -Rod Stewart- "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams-
These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country. 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. 4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. 5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.] 12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. 22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. 23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. 24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor. :eek:
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing. Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house. AND he left it there all night. :eek:
Heard on the radio recently: An Iraqi reporter approaches Colin Powell: is it true that only 13% of all Americans do actually know where Iraq is? His answer: The good news is: yes, it's true. But the bad news is: all of the 13% are US Marines
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21| YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her. 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you don't send this to at least 8 people -- who cares?
Once upon a time there was a beautiful queen. Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer... The Moral of the Story...............
For all you W. C. Fields fans... > >This day, jan 29, celebrates the 1880 birthday of William Claude Dukenfield, better >known as comedian W.C. Fields. Among his famous movies were "The Bank Dick" >and "Never Give a Sucker an Even Break." > >HUMOROUS QUOTES ATTRIBUTED TO W C FIELDS >I drink therefore I am. (I always thouht that was ripped off from Daniel-M) > >A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. > >I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. > >I never met a kid I liked. > >Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. > >I like children - fried. > >It's one thing to have to explain to a man why a billion dollar measure has >been vetoed, but it is much more difficult to explain to a woman why the cap >of the toothpaste has not been put back on. > >The best cure for insomnia is plenty of sleep. > >When doctors and undertakers meet, they always wink at each other. > >There may be some things better than sex and some things may be worse, but >there is nothing exactly like it. > >(Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded "Yes, if every >other form of persuasion fails." > >Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. > >I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. > >I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach. > >I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. > >If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a >damn fool about it. > >I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I >also keep handy. > >Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a >thousand times. > >Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC: "Yes it is, >very hard. It's almost impossible." > >Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. > >The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out >of it alive. > >Women are like elephants to me ... nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to >own one.