A young man named Aphie joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, Aphie called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" Aphie's father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked his father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked his father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'" "So, did you jump?" asked his father. "Well... a little, at first."
A group of kindergartners was trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on No baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done? "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Shit".
Parental Code A husband and a wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced... "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Dear Abby, I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive, but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list, because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she >wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test"was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
ECONOMIC UNCERTAINTY Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and the staff fears they may get a raw deal.
A tiny little mouse crawls up on a huge elephant, and begins to hump the massive beast. Naturally, the elephant doesn't feel a thing. Just then, a coconut falls from a tree, and hits the elephant on the head. The elephant cries out "Ouch"... The mouse replies, "You take it bitch" A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha I've just won the lottery, pack your things!" Martha replies, "Fantastic! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?" "I don't care", says the man. "Just as long as you're out of the house by noon." This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The American Medical Association has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered. Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. It is now projected by the year 2015 there will be 50 million people who will be wandering about with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.