Jokes

Rectum? Damn Near Killed Him!

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist, and demand an apology.

Before he could say more then a word or two, the druggist said, "Now just a minute! Listen to my side of it."

”This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house and the car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened, and started waiting on these people. All the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. I had to break open a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer.

And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”

 

What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinners out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter--ten men and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to
fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a
very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the
rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making
sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping their hands....

 

Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor?

I was recently told a true story about the pastor of a church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was
afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to
climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and
drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the
kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.

He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be
bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the
car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "bong!"
and the kitten instantly sailed through the air out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood
asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a
stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your
keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church
members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was
amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew
it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so
much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl
had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before,
the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God
gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees,
and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it
with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its
paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of
humor!

 

You know;


You live in Arizona when...

1.You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.


You Live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2... You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4 You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2... Y ou tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4... The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in.

"P....E....N....I....S."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


*****PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****

 

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black, totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but, the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in predominantly white patriarchal society.

"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious art critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it", he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Welsh coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident"...I just lost it.

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

 

Instead of going and getting the Windex and papertowel to clean your monitor just use this. lol

http://www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com/

 

Dealing With Problems

A guy is sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast and reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him hard on the back of the head with a frying pan. He gets his face out of his oatmeal bowl and asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on. I love you and only you, trust me!"

She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's eating breakfast again and reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan, even harder this time.

He gets up from the floor, staggers back to his chair and asks, "What was that for?"

To which she answers, "Your horse called!!"