A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. >While he is there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed our neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you. To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you! too."
Maybe the worst "joke" ever. Anyone think this is funny? If so, why? More like a horror story than a joke. If this was the opening scene of a movie, would you assume the movie to be a comedy? And I liked Javs previous joke...thought it was good. Javs has a wide range of humor I guess.
50°F (10°C)- New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens. 40°F (4°C)- Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe. 35°F (2°C)- Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down. 32°F (0°C)- Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker. 20°F (-7°C)- Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a T-shirt. 15°F (-9°C)- Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming. 0°F (-18°C)- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cookout before it gets cold. -10°F (-23°C)- People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flagpoles. -20°F (-29°C)- Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a lightweight jacket. -40°F (-40°C)- Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos. -60°F (-51°C)- Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door. -80°F (-62°C)- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. -100°F (-73°C)- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their earflaps. -173°F (-114°C)- Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs. -297°F (-183°C)- Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands. -460°F (-273°C)- ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?" -500°F (-296°C)- Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
A History teacher asked her 5th grade class, "Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death!'?" No one raised his hand except little Suzuki Myoshu, who answered, "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" the teacher said. "Now who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response, except from Suzuki who answered, "Abraham Lincoln in the Gettysburg Address, 1863." The teacher said, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." Whereupon someone in the back whispered, "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?!" the teacher demanded. Suzuki put his hand up, "Lee Iacocca, 1982." One student in the back blurted out, "I'm gonna puke." Again, Suzuki answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." Thereupon the teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,someone said, "Oh, oh, now we're in BIG trouble!" Suzuki solemnly said, "Arthur Andersen to Enron, 2002."
In New York, in the winter, it's 30 degrees. In Los Angeles, it's 70. In New York, in the summer, it's 90 degrees. In Los Angeles, it's 70. In New York, their are 8 million interesting people. In Los Angeles, there are 70. (Neil Simon).
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Brush up on these definitions!! Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low. Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower. Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999. P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing. Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell. Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock. Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. Bear Market - A 6-month to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no eelectronic toys. Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves. Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet then he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes. Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks. Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before email. Cisco - Side kick of Poncho. Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share. Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share. Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.