Men are like.... 1.... Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you. 2.... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3.... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them. 4.... Blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 5.... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6.... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say. 7.... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8.... Government Bonds ... They take sooo long to mature. 9.... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10.... Popcorn ...They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11.... Snowstorms ...You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12.... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13....Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? Because he only "comes" onces a year and that's down a chimney
Is it hard to become an Architect? Is it hard to qualify and succeed? Is it hard to come up,with an original strut? and do constraining planning laws make your heart bleed? I wish I had the brains to be an Architect I wouldn't have to live a dreary life I'd design me a home,where the Buffalo roam and get me a squaw for a wife
You know you're from Oklahoma if: 1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha. 2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies. 3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel. 4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade. 7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks. 8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals. 9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. 10. You measure distance in minutes. 11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City." 12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash. 13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions. 14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean. 15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit. 16. You know cow pies are not made of beef. 17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date. 18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist. 19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first. 20. You know in which state Miam-uh is and in which state Miam-ee is. 21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store. 22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it. 23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is a GT. 24. You know everything goes better with Ranch. 25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply. 26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin" to send them to your friends. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation: "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."
Male and Female Prayer versions Female Prayer: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks,One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen. Male Prayer: I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. Amen
Here are the winnners of the M-LAW competition for wackiest warning label of the year: 1st prize Do not use for personal hygiene - on a toilet brush 2nd prize This product moves when used - from a child's scooter Previous winners have included: * Remove child before folding - on a baby's buggy * Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally - on a digital thermometer * Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating - on an electric hand blender * Harmful if swallowed - on a three-pronged brass fishing lure. * Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device - on a bag of air used as a packing material * Do not use as a ladder - on a 30cm tall CD rack * Never iron clothes while they are being worn - on a household iron * Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire - on a smoke detector * Do not eat toner - on a laser printer cartridge * And on a pair of cyclist's shin guards - Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
I'd like a Guru Can I get me one for free? Just a red-hot mother of a Guru With a short skirt high above the knee She'd need nice thighs and a penchant to let them part A welcoming embrace and a promise not to fart Am I hoping,wishing for too much? Surely it's only natural to seek a little trading crutch? Given a good bath,a brush and a shave Do you think Joe Ross could be the thing I crave? __________________
They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM- prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.â
Subject: Inner peace I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all of the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel! Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.